I’ve sung along with Billy Joe’s hit song Vienna countless times, but it wasn’t until a dear friend sang the words in a dimly lit room that I listened. “Slow down, you crazy child” hit me with an unexpected weight, bringing tears to my eyes and a knowing pit to my stomach. I’ve listened to Billy’s words a handful of times since, and each time I’m moved by the gentle encouragement of his words:
“Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about? You’d better cool it off before you burn it out. You’ve got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.”
Oof. If you know me at all, you know that I have one mode: go. I’ve got plans every night, friends to text and call, deadlines to meet and projects to finish. I’ll show up when you need me, and I’ll fight through the tired until I find my second wind … or third. I’m the girl who’s always “down” – down to check out the new restaurant, hit up that late-night karaoke bar or take a trip to another part of the country.
But when I lay my head down on my pillow at the end of a long day, I often think about all the things I didn’t accomplish – the workout I failed to do, the blog I failed to write or the person I failed to check in on. So often I look at life as a series of to-do lists to complete, events to attend or moments to experience – hoping that if I do enough, I’ll earn the validation of others and feel proud of myself. But as Billy gently suggests, “you’ve got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.”
If you’re an Enneagram 3, you might be screaming at your computer or phone in agreement right now. This blog is mostly for you, but it’s also for everyone who things they must do in order to be accepted, loved or valued.
Like most things, I waited to learn my lesson until I had no other choice. Tears streaming down my face walking home from the bus one late, snowy night this week, I was forced to confront what all my busyness had led to – pure, soul-depleting exhaustion. In the interest of doing and driven by the fear of disappointing, I had completely emptied my tank, leaving no room for my heart, soul or mind to contemplate the very real decisions I needed to make. I had given so much to everyone else, I had nothing left for myself. But what’s worse is, I still felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Even when I knew I couldn’t give anything else, I felt wracked with guilt that I couldn’t.
I had a deep desire to escape. To cut and run. To seek out time to be alone with God and let him sew up the parts of me that were broken. I needed answers, and I didn’t have the energy to find them. I needed healing, but I didn’t have the space to heal.
So, I cancelled most of my plans (a truly terrifying thing for me), found an escape and hid away in a cozy coffee shop where I could just be.
As I sat and journaled, I realized that I was believing so many lies about myself – so I wrote them all down and battled them with truth. God whispered that I didn’t have to be everything to everyone, because that’s his job, not mine. He told me that I don’t have to be productive to earn my worth, because he calls me his beloved daughter and is pleased with me – even when I can do nothing. He reminded me that I am enough – not because of what I do or the person I can become – but because Christ lives in me.
At the core of all my beliefs about falling short is my greatest failure – the failure to believe that I am enough. If I simply believe what God says about me, I can live in freedom, pursuing the things God calls me to and ignoring the rest.
Maybe you’re feeling those same things – a deep desire to prove yourself or a deep fear of letting others down. Or maybe you’re not quite there yet but are noticing how your tendency to choose activity over rest might not be coming from the healthiest place. Wherever you are, know that you are enough. You are loved because of who God made you to be, not what you can do for the world. And maybe take a listen to Billy Joel and remember, it’s okay to:
“Slow down, you crazy child. And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile. It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.”
