I love clarity. I operate well under a set of clearly-defined expectations. I've learned how to fit myself into the appropriate boxes, tempering my emotions to fit the circumstances. For most of my life, I've operated under the simple assumption that I should avoid the lukewarm. I'm either hot or cold. We’re either on or off. It's either black or white. There is no in between.
But lately, I've found that there often is an in-between. There are spaces in between the black and white where I'm exploring my feelings, developing trust, navigating my desires or interpreting the circumstances. Often, at some point in a relationship, there's an uncharted "gray area." I'm learning that even though that gray area may be confusing or feel unfinished, it's important to embrace it as a season.
When you’re younger, your emotions can’t handle navigating the in-between. He either circles “yes” or “no.” We can’t understand the nuances involved in “maybe.” And when we’re younger, that works – because all that mattered was whether he liked you and you liked him back. You didn’t have to think about if you’re personalities were compatible in the long term, if you could fight well, both wanted children, or shared the same values. Black and white was just fine. Yes or no did the job. But as we get older, life gets a little more complicated.
In college, I was introduced to the idea of “DTR” or “define the relationship” and I LOVED it. I went around telling everyone about this novel concept, spewing advice at any friend that would listen. I thought I was so wise. To some extent, I was. There were definitely friends who needed clarity to get out of a tumultuous relationship or understand that they needed to close a door and move on. But in recent years, I discovered that my beloved DTR wasn’t always my knight in shining armor. Many times, I found it was the thing I hid behind in order to minimize my risk of getting hurt. I used it as a big shield to rationalize taking less risks.
Living in the gray area felt so uncomfortable to me that I was willing to risk rejection to simply get an answer. I always prided myself on being "good" at rejection. I could hear that heartbreaking "no" and move on. But the reason I could move on was because I felt like I had a tangible direction. I could set out putting myself together. I could get up and get over it. I could channel Ariana and say "thank you, next." The thought of not knowing felt more terrifying than the thought of getting rejected.
Here's the thing. Clarity is healthy. Openly communicating with those you're dating, interested in, or friends with is healthy. But I've realized that my inability to explore the in-between has closed me off to what might be. In the name of clarity, I've closed doors before others even realized there was a chance it could open. Earlier this year, I was sitting in my counselor's office, trying to put clear labels on the friendships I had. I was loosely interested in a few people and felt like I needed to pick one to focus on so I could actually pursue my "maybe" feelings. As I was explaining, she hit me with the boat rocker – why? What was the danger in simply seeing how life played out? Why did I need to pressure myself to find an answer before the equation was even presented?
It was at that point that I realized that no one needed an answer - except me. I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself to find clarity - when clarity didn't need to exist yet. As I discussed in my last blog, relationships take patience. Figuring out how you feel takes time. Getting to know someone doesn't have an expiration date. When you force yourself to put your stake in the ground before you've truly taken the time to explore and process - you're only cheating yourself. Living in the gray area for a season isn't easy, but your heart doesn't make decisions that fit in boxes. It needs space and time to push at the edges and find where it fits.
The gray area can look different depending on the situation. It might mean wading through friendship to see if it evolves. It might mean going on dates and entertaining a future. It might mean waiting on someone else to walk through their own gray area. It even applies to situations outside of dating - like a career, move or pursuit of a dream. Choosing to embrace the gray area is a practice. Everyday, you have the chance to live in the vulnerable in-between - giving yourself the freedom to not have all of the answers.
But hear me: embracing the gray area isn't an excuse for passivity. There will come a time when your heart and your head align and you do know the answer. When you do, you should make the choice to act - whether it's easy or not.
I'm challenging myself to embrace the gray area. I'm giving myself permission to not have all the answers and giving my heart license to find where it belongs on its own timeline. I hope you will too.
