Hey Mr. Just-Swiped-Right, don’t call me babe. Don’t text me “goodnight beautiful” or “have a great day, honey.” Do a quick backspace when you write the word “gorgeous.” Take a breath.
You might be thinking – “but Kelsey, don’t women WANT to hear that they’re beautiful? Don’t they want affection? Don’t they want to feel loved? The answer (obviously) is yes, yes and yes.
But you haven’t earned the right to call me those names yet. Why? Because you don’t know me.
You Wanna Date Me? Be Patient
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in dating is that patience is paramount. And let me tell you, I am the LAST person to be patient. I like to run my life at a million miles an hour and my dating life has often followed a similar cadence. That may be why I’ve ended up in an extended-stay motel on a second date or been offered a weekend in the Poconos after a first (but those are stories for another day).
While some relationships can begin in a whirlwind romance, ninety-nine percent of them are formed over months, years and decades and forged in long talks and shared experiences. If you’re a fellow millennial, the desire for instant gratification is strong. But finding love doesn’t start and end with a right swipe.
Why? Because it takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to understand who they are, what makes them tick, what brings them joy and how they live their life. And while it may only take a moment to be attracted to someone, it takes time to truly love them. Because being loved is being known.
Let me tell you what I mean.
There’s one type of man I run into over and over. In an attempt to show their interest, they come on strong. Too strong. I’ve encountered so many men who are convinced they’ve found their future wife the instant we matched. They do little to get to know me and go straight for the invitation to meet. This isn’t totally a bad thing -- I don’t want to be chatting back and forth for months before going on a date, but there’s a reason there’s a messaging feature in dating apps. Take a little time to hit the basics and see if you have any connection. If you don’t, don’t waste either of your time going on a date.
Beware of the Pet Names
I’ve also encountered many men who start peppering words like “babe,” “honey,” and “gorgeous” into the conversation before we’ve met. Let me tell you why this is problematic. Words like that communicate intimacy. The people who call me babe are dear friends who have earned that right. They’re people who know me and use that kind of language to differentiate our relationship from other relationships. There’s a closeness that’s articulated in their words. It makes me feel loved.
However, when some guy on a dating app starts calling me babe before a first date, it tells me one of two things. Either 1) he talks to every woman he matches with like this, cheapening his displays of affection or 2) he doesn’t talk to every woman he matches with like this, and he’s already built up an idea of us that doesn’t match our reality. In either situation, what he’s communicating is this: I’m not special. There’s nothing specifically about me that has earned me the right to that title. There’s nothing specific about our relationship that has created that connection. Because if you’ve never met me, you have no way of knowing me well enough to build that foundation.
Let’s Talk About Boundaries, Baby
Not all of my potential relationships have ended in disaster before a first date. Some make it to the awkward first hug and first-date small talk. I’ve had my fair share of playful flirtation, quickening heartbeats and bursts of hope. Unfortunately, many have come to a screeching halt when the first kiss turns into a move for more.
Let’s talk about the “b” word. No, not the one you scream in your head when your spin instructor is making you do ANOTHER climb. The cliche but essential “b” word – boundaries. If you don’t already know, I’m waiting to have sex until I’m married – so setting expectations and boundaries is essential, even early in a relationship. But even if you aren’t waiting until marriage, setting boundaries is extremely important to allowing heart-level connection to develop.
While I am first to admit that I am all about physical touch, I’ve learned (often the hard way), that allowing a relationship to be really physical within the first few dates isn’t very healthy to the development of that relationship. When the guy I’m dating is only focused with making out on the second date, it communicates not that he’s interested in me – but that he’s only interested in what being with me can do for him.
Setting boundaries for yourself and with your partner gives you the space to get to know each other and provides intimacy in any physical touches that follow. Only you can decide what those boundaries look like; for some it might be about sex – but your boundaries might also be when you let someone kiss you, when you’re up for a make-out session, or when you’re ready to cuddle on the couch.
Whether it’s preemptive pet names or too-soon advances, empty affection that’s not rooted in your knowledge of me tells me that you aren’t interested in me – you’re interested in the idea of me. You’re interested in what I can give you in the moment and you’re not making me feel loved or wanted, you’re making me feel objectified. It tells me you’re only interested in what you see on the surface and making it fit your idea of what you want me to be.
Like anyone, I want to be loved because I’m known. And that takes time. If you’re navigating the dating world and looking for anything more than a hook-up, be patient. Take the time to get to know the other person and wait for someone who’s willing to be patient for you.
‘Cause honey, you’re worth the wait.
