26. I can’t believe as I write this that I’m not longer 26. For some reason, 26 feels harder to let go of. As my birthday grew closer, I felt more and more the desire to hold on to the year that did so much for me. This past year was not an easy one. I made a lot of mistakes, experienced a lot of hard things and came to terms with brokenness. But it also pushed me in so many beautiful ways and forced me to grow.
As I look back on the year, I wanted to take stock of some of the ways my twenty-sixth year of life has transformed me. So here we go!
I found out I know less about myself than I think I do
more I learn about myself and in general, the world, the more I realize how little I truly know. This year, I started counseling, and it forced me to uncover parts of myself I didn’t know existed and come to terms with a lot of things I didn’t realize were hiding just under the surface. While it was hard to admit I was less in control than I realized, it was also beautiful to see a fuller picture of the woman I truly am.
I rediscovered the gift of vulnerability
On a similar note, I was reminded of the power of vulnerability to transform our relationships and our lives. Once a huge advocate for vulnerability, this year I was able to see how I had found ways to be selectively vulnerable (i.e. when it felt safe) and worked to break down the walls I had let build up.
I experienced how God meets you in the midst of grief
Grief. 26 was marked by a lot of grief. I lost one of the most important people in my life, my mentor/mother figure/dear friend Sari to cancer. I lost students to gun violence. And I felt the weight of the world in such visceral ways I was often overwhelmed. But I also was amazed by how God showed up in such surprising and comforting ways – showing me how he truly knows how to meet me in my grief.
I felt the importance of deep, fulfilling community
This year was marked by the blossoming of so many beautiful friendships. I was able to celebrate with so many dear friends, travel with others, and experience the joy that comes with people who truly love you. I was also able to experience how community can come around you and hold your head above water when you feel like you’re drowning. I’m so thankful for so many loving friends and family who showed me over and over again how truly lucky I am to be loved.
I figured out how to set achievable goals
I’m a 3 on the enneagram, so achievement is pretty much my lifeblood. However, I also am overly ambitious so I try and achieve too many goals at the same time. This past year, I started by setting small goals, things as simple as working out twice a week, so that I could work towards actually achieving them instead of drowning in high expectations that ultimately led to failure.
I chose the wrong men
I’ve always known that men can be deceptive (woman can too, don’t get testy) but haven’t had a lot of hands-on experience. That was, until this year. I learned that hard way that, if you’re not careful, some men will use you. I’ve learned that to some men, my heart, mind, body and soul were only valuable to them as long as it served their needs. The realization that there are men who not only made me feel discarded, but also foolish was a painful lesson to come to terms with. I won’t be choosing those men again in 27.
I chose the right men
After some men made it strikingly clear what I should steer clear of, other men gave me hope that Godly, wise, kind and respectful men do exist. For the first time in awhile, I chose the right men. Even though relationships with those men didn’t pan out, I realized what I can hope for.
I rediscovered ways to express myself
My 26th year was filled with well, feelings. Instead of letting them run my life, I intentionally found ways to let them out. I explored my soul and emotions by blogging consistently and journaling, I dove into my creativity by making crafts and sewing dresses and I saw beauty in my body through dance.
I learned to set boundaries
One of my greatest weaknesses lies in my inability to say “no.” I’m a fixer by nature, I want to be the one to help you out of whatever it is you’re struggling through. I’ve had wonderful opportunities through mentorship to help others, but I also had to realize that I can’t fix everyone. This year, I was forced to understand where the line was between helping and hurting. I had to learn how to set boundaries that allowed me to help others without losing myself.
I saw how truly faithful and loving God is
Through everything that happened in the past year, I was able to see how truly loving and faithful God is. He met me in the hardest moments, lifted me up in love when I was broken, provided financially when I had no job, and spoke words of encouragement when I was discouraged. He used unexpected seasons to grow me and draw me into a deeper relationship with Him. He led me from a place of lack to one of abundance. He reminded me of promises and he kept them. Of all that happened this year, I’m most thankful that I had the chance to get to know and love my God a little more.
I can’t sum up my year in one word. It would be unfair to categorize it as just “good” or “bad.” But it is a part of me.
As I celebrate the beginning of a new year of life, I feel like I should linger just a second longer with 26, look it in the eye, hold it close and say “thank you.”
