Recently, a friend asked me: “what’s your secret to being so confident?” Many people assume that confidence is either something you have or something you don’t. They think it’s something that you’re blessed with as a young child and some people just were doled out a little more of the confidence gene than others. (That’s not how science works, just go with me.) But a look back at my past will show you confidence isn’t just something you either have or don’t have.
Flashback to seventh grade. I coined every Wednesday “Wacky Wednesday” and would waltz confidently into school with a skirt over my jeans, a tie, and a little too much black eyeliner. (Thanks, Avril!) Even though present-day Kelsey cringes at the thought of wearing such an outfit to school, seventh-grade Kelsey wasn’t phased. And what’s better, I wore my outfit with such confidence and conviction that others started to follow suit. You could say I was a bit of a trend-setter, for better or worse.
Fast-forward a few years to my sophomore year of high school. I got these killer black boots, with fur around the top and this unique Aztec pattern below the fur. I could not WAIT to wear them to school the next day. They next day, I put on a pair of jeans under my favorite black dress (leggings weren’t a thing yet), slipped on my boots and walked excitedly in to school. At some point during the day, someone made a comment about how my outfit didn’t “work” and I was crushed. I remember crying to my dad in humiliation and he wisely told me a few things that have stuck with me and shaped how I see myself. He looked at me and said, “Kelsey, you should wear whatever you want. You have so much personality and creativity to express. Never let what someone else thinks of you shape what you wear.” I’m thankful to have a dad that encouraged me to unabashedly claim my uniqueness, but I know not everyone was so lucky.
So gather around kids, Auntie Kelsey has a few wise(ish) words on how to be confident.
Tell Society to Shove It
The difference between seventh grade and sophomore me wasn’t that I had (slightly) better style. Seventh grade me decided to live her life based on what she thought was cool and didn’t give a second thought to what others thought. Society dictates so much of the narrative about ourselves, but we’re doing ourselves a disservice if we let society tell our story. Society can’t make up it’s mind anyways! Curvy bodies have been in, out and then in again. Full, thick eyebrows were a no-go 15 years ago, but now they’re all over your Instagram. Culture’s values shift and change all the time, so don’t let others dictate you worth.
Everyone is Insecure, It’s How You Handle It That Counts
It’s easy to just tell people to ignore what others think, but we’re often our toughest critics. The reality is that no one is ever totally free from insecurity. Even the skinniest, most stereotypically beautiful girls have their own struggles. We can’t let ourselves believe that “if I just lose a few pounds” or “if I just figure out how to dress more stylishly” we’ll magically find some confidence.
Confidence comes from self-love. It comes from looking your insecurity in the face and telling it to shut up. It comes from embracing all of who you are, including the parts of you that you’re insecure about, and deciding to love it all anyway.
What does embracing insecurity stepping out in confidence look like? For me, it looks like crop tops and bikinis. I’ve always been insecure about my body (who isn’t) and society has told me that my size, fat rolls and love handles aren’t desirable. A few years ago, I made the conscious decision to buy a bikini and wear it – despite my insecurities. Every time I step out of the house with a little belly showing, I give myself a little pep talk, silence the mean little voices in my head and decide to love my full self.
Don’t Underestimate The Power of Your Squad
When I was in college, I lived with an amazing group of women that had the hilarious tendency of hitting on each other. I’d get ready to go to a party and walk out in to the living room to (welcome) cat calls and comments about how great my legs looked. These women taught me to admire things about myself that I never thought twice about admiring. They also showed me how essential it is to have people around you who constantly lift you up and remind you of your worth. You will no doubt face moments of insecurity, so surround yourself with others who will encourage you when you can’t do it yourself.
Love Yourself Before You Love Someone Else
This is a dating blog, so let’s talk about love. Loving yourself is essential to loving someone else. I want to look for love that doesn’t just validate me. I don’t want someone who will swoop in with sweet compliments that fill the voids I feel in myself. Instead, I want to find someone who can love me for the things I already love about myself. But in order for you to find someone who loves you for the “right reasons,” you have to know yourself well enough to know what those things are. Know you’re worth more than a handful of compliments. Build yourself up enough that you’re not susceptible to the man with honey on his lips but little in his heart. Fight for the man who will love every bit of you.
So the next time you see me out in a crop top, know that I didn’t walk out into the judgmental world without a struggle. But know that I DID decide that I’m worth it.
And let me tell you honey, you’re worth it too.
