You gotta love a good heart break. Catch the space.
While the devastation of heartbreak can be good for the soul in a dramatic, soul-upheaval sort of way, the much less dramatic "heart break" is the underutilized, and much less tear-filled time in someone's life to stop, breathe and reset.
I've come to realize that dating truly takes work. It takes time. It takes emotional energy. In a lot of ways, it feels like a job. Sometimes I catch myself thinking,"I just have to pay my dues, get through this grunt work, and I'll work up to the real thing." Recently, I've been exceptionally proud of myself for actually trying to date for a consistent period of time. Anything over 3 months feels like a real victory to me. Usually I get excited, throw myself into dating, go on a series of ill-fated dates, get frustrated and rage-quit every dating app -- until I inevitably start to feel the tug of wanting to be in a relationship and I do it all over again. Lately, I've been good. But I'm starting to feel the frustration again and I'm realizing that maybe, taking a little vacation from my side job isn't the worst idea.
Check ‘yo self
No matter where you’re at in the dating process, it’s important to keep a constant check on your heart. Sit down with the little buddy every once in a while, have a good chat, journal it out, talk to a friend or write a blog (ahem) and see where you’re at. In the process of finding your one, true love, you can find yourself in a lot of different heart and mind states. Usually, I know I’m ready to date if I:
Actually, feel the desire to be in a relationship
Have the time and emotional energy to commit to diving in and being vulnerable
Have a strong enough sense of self and know I’m ready to weather the storm of rejections that will inevitably come
And perhaps the most important rule: I can look in the mirror and say, “dang, I can’t wait until someone gets to date me.” If I take a good look at myself and can’t immediately list off all of the reasons why I would make a partner lucky, I know that I need to spend some time dating myself to the point of falling in love, because as the soundtrack of Rent has so poetically taught me “you'll never share real love until you love yourself."
When to take a break
Just like your iPhone and diet, sometimes you need a good reset. Going on first date after first date can be exhausting, and the repeated roller-coaster of expectations – hope – excitement – confusion – frustration – disappointment can (and should) take a lot out of you. You don’t have to always have to be putting your heart all on the line, and whenever you think it’s necessary, take a break. The tell-tale sign it’s time to hang up the ole Tinder app and take a breather for me? I stop wanting to respond. When I’m reluctant to text back even the most promising eligible bachelors, it’s a good sign that I need to take a moment to myself. It’s not fair to anyone involved if I can’t give it my all.
What does a break look like?
This is the one time that Ross’s flexible definition of “being on a break” is actually acceptable. Taking a heart break can be whatever you need it to be. Sometimes, it means just deleting all of your dating apps but still being open to rendezvous that happen in person. Other times, it means just picking one dating app that you’ll focus on. At its most extreme, it means setting an expectation for yourself of “no dating” for a set period of time, maybe a few months, where you turn down advances and are completely intentional about spending time with yourself.
Right now, I’m in the in-between, I know I need a break from the melodrama of dating app world, but I’m not completely sworn off love. For now, I’ll take a cue from Lady Antebellum:
“Sometimes the word alone, sounds like a sad song, but why’s it gotta be, cause all I really need, is a reset and a deep breath.
I think it’s time to take a heart break.”
